


The Cost of Your Attention (Unsent Letters: Letter #1)

by ashleecraft



Series: Unsent Letters [1]
Category: Original Work
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Angst, BPD, Battle, Borderline Personality Disorder, Canon Non-Binary Character, Chaotic Good, D&D, Dungeons & Dragons 5th Edition, Elves, Emotional Hurt, Half Elf, Half-Elves, Hurt No Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide attempt, Manipulative Relationship, Multi, Original Character(s), Other, Queer Character, Steampunk, Warforged, Wood Elves, non-binary, some violence, wood elf
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-09
Updated: 2020-05-09
Packaged: 2021-03-02 22:53:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,515
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24094636
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ashleecraft/pseuds/ashleecraft
Summary: Aldwyne Well writes a letter to their emotionally abusive & manipulative ex, Veddra, who died in battle despite Aldwyne's best efforts to protect them. We see a bit into Aldwyne's tragic backstory & the lengths they were willing to go to earn & keep Veddra's "love" is touched upon as they reflect on their relationship.
Relationships: Aldwyne Well/Veddra Mattox
Series: Unsent Letters [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1738363





	The Cost of Your Attention (Unsent Letters: Letter #1)

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fic on here about an OC of mine! Here, you're going to see a bit into the tragic backstory of my D&D OC, Aldwyne Well! They're a chaotic good queer & non-binary half-elf (half wood elf, half warforged) from a steampunk society & the character I played in the first D&D campaign I participated in!
> 
> The high elves are fighting a war against the wood elves in this world. Aldwyne grew up on the streets & shortly after reaching adulthood, joined a rebel group referred to as "the Order" to fight evil & try to bring back balance to their region.
> 
> The half warforged is bc they got terribly wounded during a battle protecting Veddra, their abusive & manipulative ex & the person whom the letter in this fic is written to. While Aldwyne was mortally wounded & nearly died trying to protect Veddra, Veddra still was killed. Aldwyne has BPD (borderline personality disorder) & Veddra was their FP (favorite person). Veddra was aware of Aldwyne's dependency on him validating them & their loyalty to him, & proceeded to abuse that power to manipulate Aldwyne into doing things they were NOT skilled enough to do as well as things they didn't think were morally right.....but they did them to keep Veddra from leaving.
> 
> Basically their whole relationship was a BIG OOF-
> 
> Anyways, here's the content warnings:
> 
> TW:  
> (1) Some violence, none terribly graphic but blood & some injuries are mentioned. There is a mention of but no description of someone being dismembered.  
> (2) Big TW for an emotionally abusive relationship. Veddra is very manipulative & emotionally abusive to Aldwyne, up to & including an implied suicide threat to get Aldwyne to do what they wanted them to do. Vedra manipulates Aldwyne into doing things they don't want to do or are not safe for them to do, putting Aldwyne's life at great risk multiple times in this story. Aldwyne is basically threatened by abandonment from Veddra if they do comply, but Aldwyne felt at the time that they wanted to do these things.  
> (3) Aldwyne has BPD, so there is a lot of description of an unhealthy relationship between Aldwyne & their FP, as well as Aldwyne describing the lengths they went to in order to please their FP as well as a lot of description of fear of abandomment, need for their FP to love them back, etc.  
> (4) A suicide attempt is briefly implied/referenced but not described in any detail.  
> (5) Mention of major character death but not described (this is a letter to Veddra, who has been dead for two years by the time this letter was written)  
> (6) Implied self-harm (not described)  
> (7) Some cursing, including one use of the word "f**k".  
> (8) Some description of battle/war/weapons, including references to other characters being killed in these situations  
> (9) Implied/lightly referenced suicidal thoughts
> 
> Pretty sure that's everything!

Veddra –

I was the one continually vying for your affection & attention. But the cost? The cost was always higher than what I ultimately got in return.

The balance between the two was a source of constant agony for me. But it still always seemed worth it, _so worth it._ Even when it wasn't. But it all made sense at the time...

All I ever wanted was for you to be proud of me. For you to respect me & to want me close to you, for you to want to spend time with me...& dare I say it? All I ever wanted was for you to love me back in the same way that I loved you.

But I don't think you ever did. I think that to you, I was always just a tool you kept around for some reason.........I'm not even really sure why. I was never that good. I'm still not that good now. And I'm not even sure if you ever even actually respected me, or whether that was all just an act too.

It took a while, until after our first big battle against the high elves, before you took me under your wing. But I'd liked you from the very beginning, ever since you introduced yourself to me. That made me feel safe. I felt like I was safe around you. I felt that way about you almost immediately, even though you quickly came to ignore me. You had more important things to deal with, more important people to pay attention to. And the idea that there were other people you liked more than me tore me up inside. I couldn't stand the idea of that. You _had_ to like me; I _had_ to be important to you –

After I met you, I looked back over my shoulder & I saw you, so calm & in that strange brash way, _comforting_ , & I didn't realize it consciously, but I knew that I needed to be close with you. So, so close –

It was only later that I realized how damn _essential_ it was to be close to you. And the things, _the things –_ that I was willing to do in order to keep that –

Our first battle together happened two months after we first met, almost down to the day. You still largely ignored me, although sometimes you'd greet me in passing on days I was lucky. You were busy, I know you were busy – but it hurt so much worse than you could ever have imagined when you _didn't_ see me, when you didn't want to hang out, when you treated me like just another fighter, indistinguishable from the rest...but despite how the acid of each rejection burned my insides & stained my skin – I kept showing up at your doorstep, pathetic, desperate, hoping that this time maybe you wouldn't reject me. Hoping that this time, I wouldn't have to deal with the aftermath of being unnoticed, & how terrifyingly low I got each time I was rejected.

I had come to realize gradually & in a way that made no sense to me that I loved you. And I knew that even if you never loved me back, I would keep showing up on your doorstep, & I would keep bleeding for you, because I _had_ to. The idea of being so attached you & not being loved back was too much of an unbearable nightmare to imagine.

So I stayed. I stayed, spiraling down like a bird with a shot-off wing. But at our first battle together, that was the day you finally saw me as someone worth keeping close, the day you finally saw me. The battle that likely didn't mean as much to you as it did to me. To you, it meant better learning the capabilities of another fighter. To me, it meant _salvation._

Things weren't looking good for our side; so many of us had already been incapacitated in the fight. These were high elves from the order of Reo; very dangerous, highly trained, & largely lacking in empathy. They did not shoot to wound; they shot to _destroy_.

You gathered in a circle around you the few of us who were still standing & healthy enough to fight, and through your panting & gritted teeth & broken voice you spoke to us. Your arm was dripping blood onto the soil beneath us through a long, jagged wound; our own faces were smeared with blood, both ours & the enemy's. You explained to us your plan of action.

“We may not win this battle, but we're not going to lose it either. Remember why all of you are here in the first place, what you're fighting for.” You said, & we went back out even though we knew we were losing.

I wasn't fighting so much for winning the battle as I was fighting to win your attention & respect. You hadn't even looked at me during your speech, but I took your words to heart. I could see it all in my mind, me winning & your praise & you loving me with such unconditional fervor that I would never be terrified of you leaving me again. Maybe if I won the battle, _you would love me back_ –

I knew I had no choice but to give it my all. So I climbed up to the top of that burning tower, ignoring the flames that licked at my skin...I still have a scar on my thigh from those flames. From my vantage point in the tower, I saw the few of us who remained fighting their hardest. My eyes scanned until they found you. The thought crossed my mind, ' _losing you would be the one loss that would mean the end, in more ways than one',_ & it occurred to me that their side likely also had a loss that would force them to retreat. From that idea, I scanned the battlefield until I saw the Reo fighter who seemed to be their captain; he was hidden off to the side. My heart leapt into my throat when I saw you also seemed to be heading for him...I was so terrified of losing you. There was one thing you couldn't see from your perspective, which were the three fighters hidden in the bushes around the captain to protect him. But I could see them.

_I can use my crossbow from here; I'd be safe & I could still fight, _I thought, but then realized at this distance there was way too much risk of me hitting you, which meant the only way to protect you would be to risk my own life & go back down & face a battlefield I was not skilled enough to face. I was not adept with the crossbow, not back then. Sadly, I've realized since then that had you been up there in that flaming tower with me, had you told me to make my shots from there & had it been anyone other than you on the ground, even with such a high risk of hitting the wrong elf – I would have done it. I would have done it if you told me to.

Panicked, I climbed down from the tower as fast as I could. I nearly slipped & fell several times; the vines I used to climb caught fire & gave way. I don't really remember rushing across the battlefield, I don't remember any of it but for brief flashes of red & carnage & the glint of metal & the shouts of bodies moving & falling & colliding. It was as though I closed my eyes at the bottom of the flaming tower & reopened them when I was almost to you. All I could think about was whether I was going to come across your body, rapidly cooling as your blood pooled out in a circle around you –

I got to you just as the hidden fighters sprung from their hiding places to make their attack. But I was more ready than even you were. I do not know how I knew what to do, how to fight, how my arrival didn't break your concentration, how I was able to make such a dent against the abilities of fighters so much more skilled than I was. It was sheer dumb luck, in the sense that I was illogical in thinking I could handle a total of four fighters who could likely have taken out or at least severely injured you. I should have gotten help rather than trying to protect you on my own –

But I didn't know that. All I knew was that you were in danger. And if I saved you, I would earn your respect in a way I couldn't earn it if others had helped. I would have done anything –

They sprung upon us. With my short sword, I stabbed, I swiped, I slashed. You & I fought alongside each other. As a team. _Together._ My brain just remembers bits & pieces of that fight, but I remember seeing you, so skilled & agile. You were strong & you were intelligent & you were experienced. And you, being all those things, met my eyes for just a moment, & you smiled at me in a way that conveyed that you were proud of me And knowing you were finally proud of me? That made it all worth it. That made the burns worth it, & the blood, & the deaths that resulted all worth it. I feel so guilty saying all this now; I regret what I became to please you.

After that, you took me under your wing. You saw I had guts. “This kid has got some _gall_.” You said, gushing about me in front of the others that evening. And you nurtured me. You decided to mentor me. You saw something good in me that you felt was worth encouraging & building upon. I finally had what I'd so desperately needed.

But that? That came at a cost. And that cost was me. Every single part of me.

“You should join us in this fight!” You said.

And I knew I wasn't ready yet. More fighters of Reo. I'd gotten lucky that first time; I couldn't replicate that. But I had to be there. I couldn't let you down.

So I fought, & if it weren't for Thastin finding me moments after I'd been knocked unconscious, blood pouring from a wound to my head, I'd be dead. I was lucky again that time.

“You can fight an orc all by yourself.” You told me weeks later.

I was terrified. I'd seen how they'd brutally killed other members of our group. I'd turned away as they dismembered a body. I'd seen what they did to Stralta. I'd heard stories about what had happened to the others.

But I said, “Of course I can.”

And I almost met the same fate as the others had. I pushed myself too hard; I continued to fight the orc when I should have run away. I was losing the fight. If Freda & Vaslillio & Thastin hadn't shown up when they did, I too would have been brutally killed. Freda cursed you out after this; she screamed at you, “How could you send Aldwyne into battle with one of the King's orcs when they are only a Level 2 fighter?”

“I knew they could handle it.” You'd said.

Freda stared at me.

“I had it under control.” I said calmly, & even she knew how big a lie that was.

At the time, it all seemed so worth it. At least in the forefront of my mind. In the backdrop, some part of my logical mind continued in its redundant screaming of “STOP! DON'T YOU KNOW THIS IS ALL GOING TOO FAR?” But I had to keep doing it. I had to impress you. I had to keep you loving me, even if it meant going against the things I knew I was capable of. You never explicitly said, “Aldwyne, if you don't fight in this battle, I'm going to hate you & I'm going to abandon you, just like everyone else always has.” But you walked that line so hard that sometimes at night, I'm still left wondering if you did indeed cross it. You implied those words, you skated around saying them but you damn near said just that at times.

And the worst part? I know now that you likely knew what you were doing; you knew of my loyalty to you, & you chose to abuse it to boost your own position in the Order.

“C'mon, I know you're probably scared but you're not a loser like the rest of them, you can most definitely fight _this_.”

“Aldwyne, you know how important this battle is to the Order? If you don't do your part in it...well, those aren't the sort of people we like to associate with, do we? You don't want to be like the rest of them. You know I don't respect _those_ elves.”

And later, when it all got worse:

“Aldwyne...if you don't fight in this battle with me, I might as well pick up this dagger on the table here, & drive it into my own heart. Because if you don't do your part to carry your own weight around here, you won't be able to fight beside me, & if you're not doing your part, I might as well be dead.” You held my hands in yours, begging me –

_Fuck._

Just like that, I had to do it. _I couldn't let you die. I couldn't let you down._ There was no story in which I stood up to you & said no, because saying no would have meant losing you. And losing you was the only thing to me that was worse than death.

_Trust me, I've done both before & I know which was worse._

That was why I went into those battles. That was why I did things I never should have done. That was why I jumped headfirst into things I shouldn't have been doing for months, if not years. To keep your love. Because if I died in battle? I'd die a hero. I'd die with you loving me in your own little way, or at least I imagined that you would. You were the only thing I had left to lose.

But if you left me because I wasn't – because I wasn't good enough?

...that would have meant death to me anyways. I am fully aware of how I responded when you died. And I would have done the same thing, only sooner, had you left me and still been out there, alive, somewhere. And had I done that any sooner, I wouldn't have been in the position to be saved in the way I was when I did what I did, so I likely wouldn't be writing this letter to you now. A letter that you're never going to read, & that I'm fully aware is mostly for posterity & my own benefit anyway.

Because at the time, I killed for you. I would have died for you.

But if I would have died back then?

You would have found a replacement for me within two weeks.

– Aldwyne Well


End file.
